


The Newlywed Game: Regency Edition

by Kat_Allen



Category: Pride and Prejudice & Related Fandoms, Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Humor, Fluff without Plot, Game Shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:20:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26568676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat_Allen/pseuds/Kat_Allen
Summary: Sherri Shepherd hosts as the Bingley's, the Darcy's, and the Collins's compete for a vacation in Paris. Which couple will be victorious?
Relationships: Elizabeth Bennet/Fitzwilliam Darcy, Jane Bennet/Charles Bingley, William Collins/Charlotte Lucas
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	The Newlywed Game: Regency Edition

Thunderous applause fills the air as the studio audience sits on the edge of their seats. All the while, a light and catchy tune plays happily all around them. They watch with anxious eyes as SHERRI SHEPHERD strolls onto the stage and takes her spot behind the podium.

Sherri: Hello, everyone. And welcome to the Newlywed Game. Today, three couples will go head-to-head to see how well they do or do not know their spouses. With each correct answer, they’ll receive points, and the couple with the most points at the end of the game will win a second honeymoon in Paris, France. Now, we’ve already asked the wives to wait in our soundproof box. So, let’s meet the husbands. 

She gestures to the husbands, BINGLEY, DARCY, and MR. COLLINS, who are sitting in a row on the stage. SHERRI announces them one by one.

Sherri: We have Mr. Bingley, Mr. Darcy, and, last but not least, Mr. Collins. Gentlemen, thank you for being on the show. Let’s dive right in. (Picks up a stack of cards and reads the first one aloud) After a hard day, what does your wife do to unwind? Mr. Bingley, you start us off.

Bingley: Well, to be honest, I don’t think Jane’s ever had a hard day. If she has, I certainly didn’t know about it. She’s always so agreeable. But, she does spend most of her evenings embroidering cushions. So, I’m going to say: embroidering cushions. 

Sherri: Okay. (Turns to DARCY) Mr. Darcy, after a hard day, what does your wife do to unwind? 

Darcy: Elizabeth does many things. She’s an excellent reader and she plays the pianoforte beautifully. Although, above everything else, she enjoys taking long walks. So, I’m going to say: taking a walk.

Sherri: Sounds good. (Turns to MR. COLLINS) All right, Mr. Collins, after a hard day, what does your wife do to unwind?

Mr. Collins: (Clears his throat.) Thank you for that enlightening question, Sherri. It reminds me of a similar question that my esteemed patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, asked me about a month ago when we were dining at Rosings Park. Are you familiar with Rosings Park? In truth, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a grand estate in all my life. And Lady Catherine is so uncommonly kind to Charlotte and me. We really don’t deserve her kindness or-

Sherri: Just answer the question.

Startled by this curt remark, Mr. Collins pauses for a few moments to gather his composure. An awkward silence fills the air for what seems like an eternity before he finally glances back at Sherri.

Mr. Collins: I’ll just say: dining at Rosings Park.

Sherri: (Scoffs) If you say so. (Glances down at the second card in the stack) Okay, next question. If your wife could be on a contestant on any reality show, which show would it be? Mr. Bingley?

Bingley: I’m going to say: The Great British Bake Off. Jane is a very talented baker. I’m sure she’d do well.

Sherri: Man, I love that show. I watch it all the time. What about your wife, Mr. Darcy? If she could be a contestant on any reality show, which show would she be on?

Darcy: The Weakest Link. Because she’s quick-witted and she’d have absolutely no trouble getting rid of the weak contestants.

Sherri: All right, good answer. Mr. Collins, which reality show would your wife be on?

Mr. Collins: Well, to be quite honest with you, I don’t watch very much television. My wife encourages me to spend as much time as possible in the garden. It’s very relaxing, and I find that the exercise benefits me greatly. Although, my garden, as well kept as it may be, is insignificant compared to the garden at Rosings Park. It has such breathtaking flora and fauna. I once told Lady Catherine that not even the palace at Versailles could compare to the beauty found at Rosings. I then explained that- 

Sherri: Okay, I think we get the point. I’m just gonna answer for you and say: Survivor. Because any woman that puts up with you on a daily basis deserves some time alone.

A barrage of laughter suddenly erupts from the audience. Their hearty cackles bounce off the walls like a rubber ball, filling the entire studio with their overwhelming chuckles. All the while, MR. COLLINS sits there and tries to make sense of these events. And, after what seems like a lifetime of confusion, he finally cracks a smile.

Mr. Collins: (Nods) Oh, I see what you’re doing. You’re just saying these things to make the show more entertaining. Which is to be expected of game show hosts. So, by all means, continue.

Sherri: Don’t mind if I do. (Glances down at the next card in the stack) All right, here’s your final question. If your wife could cheat on you with one celebrity, which celebrity would it be? Mr. Bingley, what do you say?

Bingley: Well, to be clear, Jane would never cheat on me. She’s far too loyal and far too kindhearted to ever do something like that. But, I suppose if she was ever going to cheat on me, then the only acceptable choice would be Ryan Gosling.

Sherri: (Grins) Yeah, I can get behind that. And you, Mr. Darcy? If your wife could cheat on you with one celebrity, which celebrity would it be?

Darcy: Well, like my friend, I feel the need to explain that Elizabeth would never actually cheat on me. However, she does seem to have a soft spot for Colin Firth. I don’t know why, but she just does. So, I’m going to have to say: Colin Firth.

Sherri: I can get behind that one too. (Turns to Mr. Collins and unleashes a long, reluctant sigh) Okay, Mr. Collins. This is your last question so, please, keep it brief. Which celebrity would your wife cheat on you with?

Mr. Collins: (Sternly) I’m a clergyman, Sherri. Therefore, I cannot make light of something as wretched as adultery. I’m afraid that I have no answer to give.

Sherri: So, your answer is that you have no answer? 

MR. COLLINS nods. SHERRI just rolls her eyes and shrugs.

Sherri (cont.): You know what? Fine. We’ll just leave it blank. All right, now, let’s bring out the wives!”

Thunderous applause fills the air once again as yet another catchy tune plays in the background. The audience watches in anticipation as JANE, ELIZABETH, and CHARLOTTE stroll onto the stage and sit down beside their respective husbands, who now have a series of poster boards in their hands. Then, just as the applause dies and the music fades, SHERRI smiles at the couples.

Sherri (cont.): Hello, ladies. We’ve already asked your husbands three separate questions. If you can match their answers, then your team will receive five points and you’ll be on your way to winning that second honeymoon in Paris. (Glances down at her stack of cards.) Our first question is: After a hard day, what do you do to unwind? Jane, what do you say?

JANE pauses for a moment and thinks deeply.

Jane: Honestly, I don’t think I’ve had a hard day since we’ve been married. It’s all been so pleasant. (Grins sweetly at BINGLEY) Although, I do spend a great deal of time embroidering cushions. So, I’ll say: embroidering cushions.

Sherri: You say: embroidering cushions. And your husband said…

BINGLEY holds up one of his poster boards, only to reveal “Embroidering cushions” written across it in big, bold letters. The audience claps. 

Sherri (cont.): Embroidering cushions! That’s five points for Team Bingley! (Waits for the applause to end, then turns to ELIZABETH) Elizabeth, after a hard day, what do you do to unwind?

Elizabeth: Oh, I don’t know. I suppose it depends on the day. Somedays I might read a book. Other days I might attempt, and fail, to play the pianoforte. Although, if it has been a truly awful day, then I suppose I would unwind by taking a long walk.

Sherri: You say: taking a walk. And your husband said…

DARCY holds his poster board, allowing everyone to see “Taking a walk” written across it. The audience claps once again.

Sherri (cont.): Taking a walk! Five points for Team Darcy! (Waits for the applause to fade once more, then glances at CHARLOTTE) Okay, Charlotte. After a hard day, what do you do to unwind?

Charlotte: Well, let’s see… I read a lot of letters. And I suppose I write a lot of letters too. But, mostly, I just prefer to drink tea in my sitting room.

Sherri: You say: drinking tea in the sitting room. And your husband said…

MR. COLLINS holds up his poster board, only to reveal “Dining at Rosings” stretched across the front of it. The audience remains silent as CHARLOTTE shoots her husband a puzzled look.

Sherri (cont.): Nope. He said, “Dining at Rosings.” Sorry, Team Collins. No points for you. (Glances down at the next card) “Our next question is: If you could be on any reality show, which show would it be?”

Jane: Oh, I’d love to be on The Great British Bake Off.

Sherri: You say: The Great British Bake Off. And your husband said…

BINGLEY holds up another poster board, this time with “The Great British Bake Off” written on it. The audience claps for them once again.

Sherri (cont.): The Great British Bake Off! Five more points for Team Bingley! (Pauses while the applause fades, then moves to ELIZABETH) And you, Elizabeth? Which reality show would you be on?

Elizabeth: Even though I’m sure I’d do very poorly, I’ve always dreamed of being on Jeopardy. 

Sherri: You say: Jeopardy. And your husband said…

DARCY holds up another poster board, only to reveal “The Weakest Link” written across it. The audience gives no reaction as ELIZABETH raises an eyebrow.

Elizabeth: The Weakest Link? Why would I be on The Weakest Link?

Darcy: Because you’d have no trouble cutting out the weak links. You’d probably vote them off with a smile on your face.

Elizabeth: (Pauses, then nods) Okay, I see your point.

Sherri: Well, sorry, Team Darcy. But you’re awarded no points. (Turns to CHARLOTTE) Now, Charlotte, if you could be on any reality show, which show would it be?

Charlotte: Oh, that’s an easy one. I’d be on Wife Swap in a heartbeat.

Sherri: You say: Wife Swap. And your husband said…

MR. COLLINS holds up a poster board. However, when CHARLOTTE reads “Survivor” she shoots him yet another confused look. 

Charlotte: Really? Survivor? 

Sherri: I figured you’d appreciate being marooned on a desert island. But I guess Wife Swap wouldn’t be so bad either. Unfortunately, Team Collins still has no points. (Moves to the last card) And here’s your final question: If you could cheat on your husband with one celebrity, which celebrity would it be?

Jane: Oh, I’d never cheat on my husband.

Sherri: So we’ve heard. But, hypothetically, which celebrity would you choose?

Jane: Well, I suppose if I had to pick someone, I’d have to pick Ryan Gosling. He’s not nearly as handsome as my husband, but he’s still very handsome.

Sherri: (Grins) He really is. Well, you say: Ryan Gosling. And your husband said…

BINGLEY holds up his final poster board, allowing everyone to see “Ryan Gosling” stretched across it. The audience roars with applause. 

Sherri (cont.): Ryan Gosling! That’s five more points for Team Bingley! And, more importantly, that’s a perfect sweep! (Waits for the audience to stop clapping, then shifts to ELIZABETH) All right, Elizabeth. You may not be able to catch Team Bingley, but you can narrow their lead if you get this one right. If you could cheat on your husband with one celebrity, which celebrity would you choose?”

Elizabeth: Colin Firth, no question.

Sherri: Young Colin Firth or old Colin Firth?

Elizabeth: Any Colin Firth. I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t get enough of him.

Sherri: All right, you say: Colin Firth. And your husband said…

DARCY holds up his final poster board, allowing everyone in the vicinity to see “Colin Firth” written in large black letters. The audience cheers as ELIZABETH smiles.

Elizabeth: I’d be disappointed if you got that one wrong.

Darcy: So would I. But, after the metric ton of movies that you’ve forced me watch, it wasn’t hard to figure out what your answer would be.

DARCY and ELIZABETH trade sweet grins just as the audience’s applause begins to fade.

Sherri: Well, that gives Team Darcy another five points, putting you in second place. (Turns to CHARLOTTE) Charlotte, this is your last chance to get some points on the board. If you could cheat on your husband with one celebrity, which celebrity would it be?

CHARLOTTE pauses and thinks deeply.

Charlotte: I like Hugh Jackman. And I also really like Jake Gyllenhaal. (Smiles) But, if I had to choose only one, then I’d have to choose Bradley Cooper.

Sherri: (Nods) Yeah, I’d choose Bradley Cooper too. So, you say: Bradley Cooper. And your husband said…

MR. COLLINS holds up his final poster board, which happens to be completely blank. The audience remains silent as CHARLOTTE raises an eyebrow.

Charlotte: I don’t understand. Am I missing something?”

Sherri: Yeah, actually. You’re missing an answer. Your husband didn’t give one for this round.

Charlotte: Why not?

Mr. Collins: My dear Charlotte, adultery is no laughing matter. And, as a man of the cloth, I cannot answer such a question. Not even in a setting as jovial as this. If I answered such a question, I cannot imagine the kind of scrutiny I would face in my parish. But, more importantly, I cannot imagine what Lady Catherine would say. She is, after all, a very respectable woman. And, after the kindness she’s shown to us, I dread to think that she-

Charlotte: Okay, dear. I think I understand.

Sherri: Is he always like that?

Elizabeth: (Rolls eyes) Unfortunately.

Sherri: Well, that sucks. I’m sorry, Team Collins, but you’ll end the game with no points. Team Darcy takes second place with ten points. And Team Bingley wins with a clean sweep of fifteen points.

The audience cheers as JANE and BINGLEY share a quick peck on the cheek.

Sherri (cont.): Congratulations, Team Bingley! You’re going to Paris! (Glances at the other couples) Thank you all for being on the show. (Turns to audience) And thank you all for watching. We’ll see you next time on the Newlywed Game!

The audience continues to clap and cheer as everything fades to black.


End file.
